《2 new+moon新月》第116章

only　some　way　to　make　you　see　that　I　can"t　leave　you；〃　he　whispered。　〃Time；　I　suppose；　will　be　the　way　
to　convince　you。〃　
I　liked　the　idea　of　time。　〃Okay；〃　I　agreed。　
His　face　was　still　tormented。　I　tried　to　distract　him　with　inconsequentials。　
〃So—since　you"re　staying。　Can　I　have　my　stuff　back？〃　I　asked；　making　my　tone　as　light　as　I　could　
manage。　
My　attempt　worked；　to　an　extent：　he　laughed。　But　his　eyes　retained　the　misery。　〃Your　things　were　never　
gone；〃　he　told　me。　〃I　knew　it　was　wrong；　since　I　promised　you　peace　without　reminders。　It　was　stupid　
and　childish；　but　I　wanted　to　leave　something　of　myself　with　you。　The　CD；　the　pictures；　the　
tickets—they"re　all　under　your　floorboards。〃　
〃Really？〃　
He　nodded；　seeming　slightly　cheered　by　my　obvious　pleasure　in　this　trivial　fact。　It　wasn"t　enough　to　heal　
the　pain　in　his　face　pletely。　
〃I　think；〃　I　said　slowly；　〃I"m　not　sure；　but　I　wonder…　I　think　maybe　I　knew　it　the　whole　time。〃　
〃What　did　you　know？〃　
I　only　wanted　to　take　away　the　agony　in　his　eyes；　but　as　I　spoke　the　words；　they　sounded　truer　than　I　
expected　they　would。　
〃Some　part　of　me；　my　subconscious　maybe；　never　stopped　believing　that　you　still　cared　whether　I　lived　
or　died。　That"s　probably　why　I　was　hearing　the　voices。〃　
There　was　a　very　deep　silence　for　a　moment。　〃Voices？〃　he　asked　flatly。　
〃Well；　just　one　voice。　Yours。　It"s　a　long　story。〃　The　wary　look　on　his　face　made　me　wish　that　I　hadn"t　
brought　that　up。　Would　he　think　I　was　crazy；　like　everyone　else？　Was　everyone　else　right　about　that？　But　
at　least　that　expression—the　one　that　made　him　look　like　something　was　burning　him—faded。　
〃I"ve　got　time。〃　His　voice　was　unnaturally　even。　
〃It"s　pretty　pathetic。〃　
He　waited。　
I　wasn"t　sure　how　to　explain。　〃Do　you　remember　what　Alice　said　about　extreme　sports？〃　
He　spoke　the　words　without　inflection　or　emphasis。　〃You　jumped　off　a　cliff　for　fun。〃　
〃Er；　right。　And　before　that；　with　the　motorcycle—〃　
〃Motorcycle？〃　he　asked。　I　knew　his　voice　well　enough　to　hear　something　brewing　behind　the　calm。　
〃I　guess　I　didn"t　tell　Alice　about　that　part。〃　
〃No。〃　
〃Well；　about　that…　See；　I　found　that…　when　I　was　doing　something　dangerous　or　stupid…　I　could　
remember　you　more　clearly；〃　I　confessed；　feeling　pletely　mental。　〃I　could　remember　how　your　voice　
sounded　when　you　were　angry。　I　could　hear　it；　like　you　were　standing　right　there　next　to　me。　Mostly　I　
tried　not　to　think　about　you；　but　this　didn"t　hurt　so　much—it　was　like　you　were　protecting　me　again。　Like　
you　didn"t　want　me　to　be　hurt。　
〃And；　well；　I　wonder　if　the　reason　I　could　hear　you　so　clearly　was　because；　underneath　it　all。　I　always　
knew　that　you　hadn"t　stopped　loving　me。〃　
Again；　as　I　spoke；　the　words　brought　with　them　a　sense　of　conviction。　Of　rightness。　Some　deep　place　
inside　me　recognized　truth。　
His　words　came　out　halfstrangled。　〃You…　were…　risking　your　life…　to　hear—〃　
〃Shh；〃　I　interrupted　him。　〃Hold　on　a　second。　I　think　I"m　having　an　epiphany　here。〃　
I　thought　of　that　night　in　Port　Angeles　when　I"d　had　my　first　delusion。　I"d　e　up　with　two　options。　
Insanity　or　wish　fulfillment。　I"d　seen　no　third　option。　
But　what　if…　
What　if　you　sincerely　believed　something　was　true；　but　you　were　dead　wrong？　What　if　you　were　so　
stubbornly　sure　that　you　were　right；　that　you　wouldn"t　even　consider　the　truth？　Would　the　truth　be　
silenced；　or　would　it　try　to　break　through？　
Option　three：　Edward　loved　me。　The　bond　forged　between　us　was　not　one　that　could　be　broken　by　
absence；　distance；　or　time。　And　no　matter　how　much　more　special　or　beautiful　or　brilliant　or　perfect　than　
me　he　might　be；　he　was　as　irreversibly　altered　as　I　was。　As　I　would　always　belong　to　him；　so　would　he　
always　be　mine。　
Was　that　what　I"d　been　trying　to　tell　myself？　
〃Oh！〃　
〃Bella？〃　
〃Oh。　Okay。　I　see。〃　
〃Your　epiphany？〃　he　asked；　his　voice　uneven　and　strained。　
〃You　love　me；〃　I　marveled。　The　sense　of　conviction　and　Tightness　washed　through　me　again。　
Though　his　eyes　were　still　anxious；　the　crooked　smile　I　loved　best　flashed　across　his　face。　〃Truly；　I　do。〃　
My　heart　inflated　like　it　was　going　to　crack　right　through　my　ribs。　It　filled　my　chest　and　blocked　my　throat　
so　that　I　could　not　speak。　
He　really　did　want　me　the　way　I　wanted　him—forever。　It　was　only　fear　for　my　soul；　for　the　human　things　
he　didn"t　want　to　take　from　me；　that　made　him　so　desperate　to　leave　me　mortal。　pared　to　the　fear　
that　he　didn"t　want　me；　this　hurdle—my　soul—seemed　almost　insignificant。　
He　took　my　face　tightly　between　his　cool　hands　and　kissed　me　until　I　was　so　dizzy　the　forest　was　
spinning。　Then　he　leaned　his　forehead　against　mine；　and　I　was　not　the　only　one　breathing　harder　than　
usual。　
〃You　were　better　at　it　than　I　was；　you　know；〃　he　told　me。　
〃Better　at　what？〃　
〃Surviving。　You；　at　least；　made　an　effort。　You　got　up　in　the　morning；　tried　to　be　normal　for　Charlie；　
followed　the　pattern　of　your　life。　When　I　wasn"t　actively　tracking；　I　was…　totally　useless。　I　couldn"t　be　
around　my　family—I　couldn"t　be　around　anyone。　I"m　embarrassed　to　admit　that　I　more　or　less　curled　up　
into　a　ball　and　let　the　misery　have　me。〃　He　grinned；　sheepish。　〃It　was　much　more　pathetic　than　hearing　
voices。　And；　of　course；　you　know　I　do　that；　too。〃　
I　was　deeply　relieved　that　he　really　seemed　to　understand—forted　that　this　all　made　sense　to　him。　At　
any　rate；　he　wasn"t　looking　at　me　like　I　was　crazy。　He　was　looking　at　me　like…　he　loved　me。　
〃I　only　heard　one　voice；〃　I　corrected　him。　
He　laughed　and　then　pulled　me　tight　against　his　right　side　and　started　to　lead　me　forward。　
〃I"m　just　humoring　you　with　this。〃　He　motioned　broadly　with　his　hand　toward　the　darkness　in　front　of　us　
as　we　walked。　There　was　something　pale　and　immense　there—the　house；　I　realized。　〃It　doesn"t　matter　in　
the　slightest　what　they　say。〃　
〃This　affects　them　now；　too。〃　
He　shrugged　indifferently。　
He　led　me　through　the　open　front　door　into　the　dark　house　and　flipped　the　lights　on。　The　room　was　just　
as　I"d　remembered　it—the　piano　and　the　white　couches　and　the　pale；　massive　staircase。　No　dus